Emotional Independence: Learning to stand on your own

By: Blake Gray, LPC-Associate

“I just wish what they said didn’t affect me so much”

This is a phrase I hear often and maybe you've said it yourself.

Has something someone said or done ruin your entire day? Maybe you get in a fight with your spouse or someone delays in responding to your text. Sometimes we might find ourselves wondering, “are they upset with me” or “did I do something wrong?” This happens to many of us and you're not alone.

Many people believe that the solution to this is to stop caring what other people think, but as humans we are all connected. It is normal for us to care about the people we love.

Emotional independence is understanding that while other people can influence how you feel, they do not have complete control over your emotional well-being.

Emotional independent people still seek support from their loved ones and still experience hurt disappointment and rejection. The difference is knowing how to return to yourself. Instead of asking, “how can someone else make me feel OK?” they begin asking “What do I need right now?”

Many times our emotional dependence is a learned tactic, a coping strategy used in the past to get through hard times. You might notice yourself:

• Needing constant reassurance.

• Feeling responsible for everyone else's emotions.

• Struggling to enjoy your day if someone is upset with you.

• Avoiding conflict at all costs.

• Measuring your self-worth by others' approval.

• Feeling anxious when someone pulls away or becomes quiet.

The good news is that since this is a learned strategy, you can develop new strategies too!

An emotional dependent response might look something like, “I'm so anxious right now and I can tell there's something wrong. I need them to tell me everything is OK”

While an emotional independent response would look like, “I can tell that I'm anxious right now and there might be something wrong. I can bring this up to them and check in, but it may have nothing to do with me. I can also remain calm during our conversation.”

The anxiety hasn’t gone away, but instead of reacting automatically you're responding thoughtfully.

Some tips for improving emotional independence:

• Pause before you react “Take a deep breath or find somewhere to process”

• Check in with your emotions “How am I feeling right now?”

• Validate your emotions “It’s normal and ok for me to feel this way.”

• Check the facts of the situation. “Just because I have this emotion or feel a certain way doesn’t mean it's true.”

• Thoughtfully decide how to proceed, “Who do I want to be at this moment?”

The goal is not to become cold, distant, and never affected by others. The goal is to experience our emotions without losing ourselves.